“I lived in a glass house into which my mother could look
at any time. In a glass house, however, you cannot con-
ceal anything without giving yourself away, except by
hiding it under the ground. And then you cannot see it
yourself, either.”
This exquisite quote aptly captures what is like to be raised by narcissistic parent(s), where boundaries between you and your parent were blurred and your sense of self was obscure and ill-defined. Growing up you see your parent’s needs were no different from your own, and, to earn their approval and love, you have gradually developed ultra-sensitive antennas to detect their needs and knee-jerk responses to meet their expectations. You might have tried to give voice to your needs, mustering the remaining bits of courage and spoken up, only to find your demands fallen on deaf ears and triggered a series of attacks, dismissals, and threats of abandonment from these narcissistic individuals. You have learned that it is better off to silence yourself.
You relate with the outside world similarly. You found yourself being overly courteous, or even apologetic, to others, prioritizing their needs over yours. The self-denial and silencing has locked you into abusive relationships with manipulative partners. You feel chronically unseen and unheard, lacking emotional responses for most things, or drawing a blank about your own dreams and aspirations in life.
It becomes a position where you customarily deny yourself, silencing your opinions, emotional needs, and relational yearnings. You go through life in isolation, unsupported by others around you, and unknown to them about who you are, what you need, and so forth. For some, it is a form of martyrdom that costs a sense of aliveness in you, living a robotic and zombie-like life, filled with meaningless routines and repetitions. For others, you find yourself applying your talent in discerning others’ needs and enrolling yourself in a helping profession in being a therapist, nurse, doctor, or caregiver to someone with chronic illness. You aspire to help others and go out of the way to give them what they deserve, only to find yourself feeling burnt out, mentally exhausted, and dead inside.